I write this note with a heavy heart. I guess you now know.
When I was five years old I was abandoned by my family in a park. I only remember my Father’s face now. Not my Mothers – never my mothers. I was always broken or more precisely: splintered. Most of my thoughts were on living with love and harmony; but hatred for people with a lack of empathy would surface. A part of me that I would keep hidden from everyone; especially you.
I was 15 years old when I became pregnant with you. I was
scared, my foster family helped me but I always knew that I was truly alone. I had to make it myself. Your father didn’t stay around which had nothing to do with you. I never want you to think that. We were young and dumb.
Your birth is the happiest day of my life. When you have a
child your whole world and ideals and beliefs and hopes are forced inside the body of this little baby. I would kill anyone that would harm you.
Our first house together was cobbled together from any money I could make but it was ours. I tried to make a safe place for you. That was when I met Jacob. The warm, shining light out of the cold life I had been living. He saved us. He did.
I trusted him more than anything - depended on him. He would pick you up from school so I could stay on and work more hours. He helped us so much baby. Our own guardian angel.
When I found the bruise on your back I was scared. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t think of you – I thought of what else it could have been. I thought it must have been an accident. When I saw the bruises on your legs I tried to tell you it was nothing. This is my biggest regret. I didn’t think I could live without him; I was willing to protect him over you. I’m truly sorry about that.
I had become just like my parents. I was selfish, I was not
thinking about my child. You obviously now know that when I dropped you off at Sams that it was because I was having to leave you. I had to do it. I couldn’t take it anymore. That part of me that I kept hidden became un-splintered and consumed me. I killed Jacob for you. I would kill anyone that would hurt you willingly. I’m sorry I didn’t sooner and I’m sorry that I have to leave you now.
I’m not sure when they’ll let you read this letter but know
that I will always love you. Know my reasons for how I was and know that I will never regret killing for you.
I love you baby. More than you can ever imagine.